5/15/2026

Today, I am almost 2 weeks out from my last chemo date (April 28th), and the feeling is very strange.

I had mixed feeling that day-Joy to be done with treatments, excited to see who the "New" me is going to be (not that I had a grip on who "I was" before all this), fear-that "That" was actually NOT going to be the last time I dealt with Chemo / treatments, fear that this silent killer would come back with a vengeance and how on earth am I going to go about my life, without that looming thought coming to the forefront. Among, many other thoughts I had that day and over the past two weeks.

A week or so after my last chemo treatment I had an amazing 2 day burst of energy, I woke up those two days and felt "normal". For the first time in 5-6 months I thought about "what my day will look like". So much to do and so little time to do it in. My energy was back, I could stand up straight without something leaving me completely disabled from the pain. The Neuropathy tingling and lightening bolts of pain seemed to have vanished. 5-6 months my house (bless my husbands heart, he did what he could) went without any deep cleaning, vacuuming only happened when I felt good enough to do a little bit of it. My floored have NOT been mopped in those 5-6 months. The refridgerator was a disaster inside and out, the microwave was a "sh*t show of filth*. The list can go on....  These two morning I woke up with a plan. How much can I get done before I get reminded that chemo is King still, Chemo has destroyed my body?  

Well, day 1 I had that decision made for me. NOT inside the house, but my husband was trying to do the Garden by himself. Being disabled himself, he can only do so much too.  We were already weeks behind on planting, composting, adding straw, watering, etc. So, the most immediate problem was we had a few tomato (baby) plants that needed to be put in dirt. And the flowers he got me for mother's day (plants that you put in dirt outside and watch them grow) needed watered. So that was my first task on day 1. I got out there with all of my garden gear and fantastic plan. I quickly found out that although I felt good, my body rejected "physical labor" pretty quickly. After 10 minutes of putting tomato plants in dirt, I had to have Hubby bring me my lawn chair so I could sit down. I sat, I drank my eloctrolyte powder (Redmonds relyte is the best - shameless plug). rested for about 10 minutes. Then tried again.  As I told my sister on the phone later that day it was a "Rinse, rest and repeat" kind of situation. Plant in the garden for 10 minutes, Rest for 10 minutes and start over.  As I went through after a couple times I started to realize that the resting time was getting longer and the "working" time was getting shorter. After planting 8 Tomato plants I was wiped out. FOR the DAY.  \  

Day 2: (actually more like day 12 after the last Chemo treatment). Again I woke up feeling like normal. But soon found that I was NOT. after coffee and cruising TikTok for an hour (I woke up at 6 AM) I went in to the kitchen, stood at the sink. Spent 15 minutes organizing the dishes (yeah I do that - ADHD remember) before washing them.  I had to sit down before I even got started washing them. Rested for 15 minutes or longer. Then started washing the dishes. Maybe got 1/4 of the way through (10-15 minutes) and had to sit again.  As I said earlier: Rinse & Repeat...  I didn't get them finished this time before I was completely wiped out and had to call it quits for the rest of the day. Hubby had to finish and then he had to cook dinner too.  Mind you: For two people, that is not a lot of dishes. . 

Anger and resentment hit me like a ton of bricks.  asking myself (or god) Why did I feel so great, just to be reminded that I am sick? Why can't this healing journey be over, I have things to do.  All the while "he" is telling me, "child, you need to rest, you need to slow down, you need to heal, you need to behave, healing takes time and patience". 

Oh for heaven sakes. My ADHD butt is not satisfied with ONE tiny little task per day. 18 hours of "not a darn thing". Okay, maybe I can get a quick 10-15 minute task in "IN ONE DAY".  I refuse to spend my summer sitting in front of a TV, getting up every 10-20 minutes to walk off the Neuropathy pain in my foot, knee, thigh, ankle or shin, or to all of a sudden feel like I just spent the day on the farm doing hard labor (sure, if you call lifting your cup to your mouth, hard labor, sure.....) 

Every day since I have felt like someone knocked the wind out of me and forces me to sit back down again to rest just after minor, everyday day tasks. Rinse and Repeat. All day, Every day. I guess I am lucky that I at least, can dress myself in the morning. However, by evening, I have to have help getting my PJs on and help getting into bed.    Not to sound ungrateful, but it really sucks to be human right now.  The dignity, my body dishonoring me in such a way that I have to have, like an 80 year old woman that put in her due time over her life. I am 55 for heaven sakes.  This is Bull Sh*t.  It's been 3 days since those "Bursts" of energy hit, not to be seen again. "But tomorrow is still on the calendar, and I intend to show up for it."