May 3rd 2026

5 days past my last Chemo.

For the last few days the pain has been incredibly terrible. Deeper pain, pain that lasts longer and pain that lingers like a really strong ache, almost as if I'm being stabbed and the knife was left inside the bone.

The Neuropathy is just as bad, sudden lightening shocks of pain running randomly through different parts of my body. From joints in every area, knuckles, fingers, toes, rib cage, hips, knee caps, ankles, wrist, neck.. I never know where it's going to hit or when.

Lifting my coffee cup up going toward my mouth when all of a sudden the pain hits my wrist and I drop the cup, shattering it on the floor.

Starting to stand up from sitting in my chair putting weight on my wrist as I lift, the pain shoots into my wrist and my hand slips out from under me, making me fall back into the chair. I've also had at the same time, my ankle gets a shooting pain and instantly my leg buckles beneath me throwing me back into the chair.

Or I am walking slowly to the bathroom because the bones in my legs hurt so bad it feels like the worst arthritis I have ever felt, I take three steps and pain shoots into my shin and down I go because the muscle alone won't keep me upright.  How many times I nearly hit my head on the counter on my way down.

Laying in bed, finally fell asleep after having to take a pain pill just to fall asleep, and not even an hour in (asleep) and a sharp pain strikes my lower back making me shoot up out of the bed wide away and crying from the pain.   Tossing and turning all night long because nothing is making the pain go away.

All these things happen everyday day, all day.  Trying to stay upbeat and have a positive attitude is getting harder and harder.  I try to look forward, to maybe it will slow down (the pain), maybe tomorrow it won't be as bad, but tomorrow comes and now I am exhausted like I have never felt before, I feel depression creeping up on me.  Happy it's over, but sad because I know it isn't really over.  Yeah, the chemo treatments are over, for now. But the Battle is ongoing and there is another war looming in the distant future. I know this.    

How do you live, I mean really live. Enjoy life again when the looming truth is right there?  I can temorrairily "forget" for a moment or two, smile, even laugh. But then Survivor guilt kicks in and I can't sustain the happiness. 

I have had 5-6 months of this and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.   I know I have to take care of myself, and healing is going to take time.  But So much of life has been just flashing past my eyes.  I get that it's only a few months out of what may be 20 more years. But there are not guarantee's, right?!

So yeah, if you can't tell. Today was a bad mental day.