April 23rd 2026

5 days until my next and praying my last Chemo treatment.

It is my dream (as I am sure it is for anyone going through Chemo approaching their final treatment) that I will have a good 20 years Cancer free.

How am I emotionally and physically?  

Well, that one is a tough question. In the beginning (first 3 months actually) I spent a lot of time randomly crying, feeling dread and doom, worried about leaving my kids, my husband behind. A person really goes through the stages of Grief. Having been through "Grief" when my father died, I already knew what it looked like.  It was strange that I was going through grief over "myself". Mourning Who I was (that actually wasn't who I thought I was), Who I was becoming? (although very very sick, I was becoming the person I could be proud of, I feel the person God wants me to be), Who will I be? (or even, WILL I BE). The true "feelings" of what I went through, am going through, can not be conveyed in text. I will do my best though.

The sadness, the heart ache, the fear and worry, the rollercoaster of one minute in denial and the next crazily making plans for a future that you don't exist in (legacy), as well as the days of "brain fog". Days where you seriously don't have a thought in your head because your mind is exhausted from all of the overthinking, stress, panic and "hurry up" feelings to get everything done that most people have a good 60 plus years to prepare for.  When I say I am exhausted you can't possibly understand what I mean unless you have dealt with Cancer / treatments yourself or are the caregiver of a Cancer patient that you Truly Love.  The only reference I have is when I was a new mom, the early weeks after giving birth, going home without a manual, no direction, no advice that seemed to help in any form. I remember the exhaustion I felt, no sleep, every 2 hour feedings, mental overload because baby cried, a lot, and I couldn't form a sentence without crying. No rhythm to the daily activities, if I even had time to tackle the simple tasks (bathing/showering, dishes, clothes, house cleaning, grocery shopping, planning dinner). The constant worry for the first few months of "what if the baby doesn't wake up, suffocates on that cute pillow I bought them or what if they get their arm stuck in the bed and it breaks. What if I am so tired I drop them, or what if I am so tired I sleep right through their crying and they die because I didn't feed them quickly enough. On an on with the horrible "death" thoughts). Everything was chaos for weeks-months on end being a new mom.   So if you are a mother / full time sole caregiver of an infant. Then YOU, have inkling of an idea of what going through Cancer and treatment is like.   These last five months have been exactly that, but in respect to multiplying all the emotions and exhaustion by 10 and exchanging the dread of death for yourself instead of the infant, and adding in the tremendous pain your body feels consistently making you wish it would all end and pray for god to take you home.

For myself, I realized, I was not Depressed, not clinically, I did not really need Medicine (unless you can't learn to regulate and come to an understanding that YOU will be ok.) I recognized that You can not control what you can not control. I had to learn to Let it go and just survive.   Famous last sayings I live by, but hate them (like seriously I want to throat punch anyone that say's it to me, but immediately have learned I need to hug them for). Sayings that I have grown to truly comprehend and live by:  They are In order A. The saying B. My thoughts going through it and C. What I learned.

 1. It is what it is. Do what you can and don't worry about the rest. Flip that switch and just let it all go. 

What f*ck'n switch are you seeing. I don't see one. Screw you, my OCD says "Lazy bitch get off the couch and at least wash the dishes, how do you expect me to sit here for months on end and watch as my floor never gets vacuumed or mopped, the dishes sit in the sink for three days piling up over and over never getting washed, running out of clothes because I am too exhausted to wash them. Only having enough energy to pull my butt out of bed just to go pee. Husband does what he can but is exhausted too (and I might add too stubborn to ask for help), dust gathering on everything as if you shut your house up for the winter. and you say "it's ok. It doesn't matter". TO YOU.. It doesn't matter to YOU...

Well wouldn't you know it, it really was just like all of a sudden a "switch" in my head flipped and suddenly everything made sense, everything just stopped being flight or fight, "emergency and panic". 

  These has been the all-time-slowest and yet the Quickest 6 months of my life. I truly believe that GOD, snapped his fingers and said "ok girl, calm your butt down" and flipped that proverbial switch in my head. I can't pinpoint exactly when, I believe it was the true moment I finally stopped feeling the Grief. I felt sudden, but it was actually gradually over a week or so, that I slowly woke up morning after morning and accepted my new Temporary life as "It is what it is" I realized I had to live it one day at a time, not get upset or excited (sadly) about anything, not look into the future because it is unwritten / untold. Not worry because that is a completely useless feeling that does the body and mind absolutely no good at all. I had to learn not to "Predict" anything. 

There was no way I would know how I was going to feel moment to moment, day to day.  Sadly, I also couldn't just make plans with anyone either. My answer has always been. Gonna have to be a spur of the moment decision. We will see how that day is going. And also sadly, I had to learn that even if I think I am having a good day, moments in to making a decision to say "Go grocery shopping" I would quickly realize, I can't do this. I won't make it through it. So I would have to either leave and not finish, or hubby would finish while I go sit in the car and wait.  I had to learn that the word USEFUL / USELESS had entirely new meanings. USEFUL for me is whatever I actually can do that day. USELESS is no longer a part of my vocabulary. And not just for myself, but for how see others. A person can only do what they can do. It's okay, it's good. Accept it, be grateful for it and love them all and myself for what I (they) CAN do and be in the moment.

2. Give it time / In time you will look back and wonder why you were so worried.  

HMMM, well thanks Janet but, I am in the here and now and right now I just don't want to die so shut the f*ck up you have no idea what I am going through or what You are talking about. I don't have time. Do you realize how short 3-8 years really is? No you don't. Because you are blissfully ignorant and in the back of your mind envision yourself as that 70 year old finally relaxing on your porch swing sipping some Iced tea.  I am no sure I will have that TIME.... You my dear, are making plans for your future, what ever that looks like. Buy a house in 3 years, get married in 5 years, be financially stable in 10 years etc...  I do not have that luxury. I can't plan past tomorrow, if even that! So no, Shove your words in a deep dark hole and pray you don't sneeze......

I never thought of myself as someone that was impatient. Until I started going through Chemotherapy and dealing with the knowledge of having Cancer and a possible mortal timeline of 3-8 years.  Patience isn't waiting for the microwave to get done cooking your food.  It's knowing you have 2-3 weeks until your next appointment sitting and wait for test results. Or (for me) the 3 week wait, going through the side effects of chemo, knowing at the end of those 3 weeks, when you start to feel good and close to normal, you have to go through it all over again, and most likely the symptoms and side effects will be amplified / worse.  Patience is realizing that tomorrow isn't promised. It's going to sleep in so much pain you wonder if you will even wake up tomorrow. And when you do, you start the dreadful day all over again, trying not to worry or stress because that makes you feel even worse. 

It's learning to let go of fear and live one day at a time "For real". It's learning to see beauty in everything, the clouds, flowers, blades of grass, the wonder of how it was all created. Learning there is even beauty if MESS, including the messy house, the wearing pjs all day, the joy of finally getting to shower yourself without help. The beauty of watching the sunrise because you can't sleep instead of being Pissed that you didn't get sleep.  The true joy of watching your grandson at the school play act like his silly self and being proud of how brave he was to stand up there and do his best.  Patience is NOT easy to learn.  And in my opinion, I don't think you know what I am talking about because you might think you are a patient person. Until you are faced with an expiration date and you know the timeline is getting closer, but you still have to sit and wait....  THAT my friend, is patience.

3. You just need some exercise and take some vitamins.  I know it's hard but you have to try very hard no matter how small of steps you take, just do it.  (This is actually an ongoing JOKE with my husband and I now)

Okay Karen.. Let's put your leg in a vice and squeeze until your leg breaks, then how about this "You just need to walk it off". THAT my dear is what I feel in every bone of my body 24 hrs. a day because my nerves are actually fried and my bone marrow is depleated, pain meds don't touch it.. BUT OKAY.. I will just go for a walk and "BOOM" Look hun, I'm cured..  Bitch please. You should just be elated that I haven't throat punched you yet. That cast iron skilled is looking pretty handy right now. (yes, I had a lot of anger) 

Well, I had to learn to Translate that phrase to what I actually needed and could do.  What they might be thinking is going for a walk even 1/8 - 1/4 mile or so, because, they don't actually know what your feeling. I had to learn to translate that into,  One day I can walk inside the house from bedroom to bathroom, to garage, back into house and sit exhausted and out of breath and now I can't do anything else the rest of the day/night. Another day, I can walk out to the mailbox and back (100 feet), sit for 30 minutes, get up and get a drink, sit for 30 minutes, drag myself like a 70 year old woman to the bathroom, unstable, feeling like I might fall any moment because my muscles and nerves are missfiring, finally make it back to my chair again and have to sit for god knows how long to recharge. I realize it's already 4pm and have to go get meat from the freezer to thaw for dinner, Dang that took it out of me, I'm not recharging anymore. So I go sit and relax for a bit while directing husband to cook (he has become quite the cook).  Another day might be in the lazy boy all day only getting up to use the bathroom and be out of breath just walking to the fridge to get a glass of water.  There.. I go excerises, it just looked different everyday.

4. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels it only matters that you take care of yourself, rest and heal. 

And how do I do that? How do I stop myself from worrying about what someone else thinks of me, how my house looks, how I look. I don't even know what those words mean, or where to begin.. I am supposed to be hermit and never let anyone come visit me because my house is now a disaster, smells bad, it dirty, like for real dirty. What would people think? That I am a pig..... I can't have that. I can't handle that.

Exactly that... Flip that switch in your head that makes you think what anyone else in your life thinks or feels about you/toward you. Has anything to do with you at all.. Start understanding that what someone else thinks "is none of your business".  What do YOU think? 

Besides, those that truly love you, Truly, honest to god, love you and care about you. They will think you are doing great, that you are amazing, that you are brave, that you are a trooper and that you are doing your best. They will understand that you are SO VERY SICK, and you can't just "come have lunch" on a whim, or "if you feel good enough, why don't you come visit me?"..  Those who really love you with "GOD'S love". Know that you can't be YOU yet. They may not quite understand that you will NEVER be the old you that they loved so much, or that the new you just might be someone that takes a bit of getting used to, but if they truly LOVE you, they will grow to appreciate the New and Improved you.

5. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I mean anything... 

Do you really though? Do you really want to either come clean my house or pay someone to come clean my house? That's pretty expensive.  Do you really want to come cook for me or delivery food to me because I can't cook right now, haven't for 5 months. I can't stand long enough at the stove to cook. Do you really want to come give my husband a break because he became the house wife and the working husband all wrapped up in one amazing gorgeous package and has been going on 6 months. He is beyond exhausted as much as I am (not to mention he is tending to his elderly father as well). Do you really understand that it's not a ONE TIME thing, that it is, at least, an 18 hours a day (we do sleep a little), every single day, 7 days a week, 28-32 days a month kind of thing.. FOR SEVERAL MONTHS (for some, years).  JUST how much are really willing to give here?  And I am supposed to ASK you? Sure! Hey, Karen, you got an extra $200 a month laying around so I can get a maid to come clean my house?  You got an extra $100 or more so that once a week so I can order Alpha-gal safe food to be delivered already cooked to give my husband a break too... ASKING for the real help I need, is NOT something you do if you want to keep that friendship/relationship. I mean, come on. Do you even understand what my brain is going through right now? Like I don't already feel like a failure, like my own body betrayed me and I am failing my marriage, all of my relationships.. But yeah, Karen, I am supposed to ask you to come help me by doing basic shit in my house for me. What? while I sit back and watch tv laying in bed?  Naw.. I'd rather not have you look at me like that for the rest of my life.   Yes, it's pride. But it's also long term survival so I won't truly be alone some day. 

Okay. Three months in I recognize that NOT all that stuff actually mattered, the world hasn't ended because my floors are dirty,there quite probably is a Chihuahua sized fur ball under each piece of furniture, or the early spring ants have made home encampment under my bathroom sink. Well, we made do. AND, I did actually learn to ask for help on some things I felt desperate enough on. BUT, the fact does still remain. Why do I have to ask? I get you might feel like maybe you would be overstepping or assuming. From what I hear from others going through THIS experience/journey. They all agree...  JUST DO IT, don't expect the patient to ask you....Why can't you just SHOW UP with dinner, (knock and leave it at the door, send a text saying hey. Dinner is at the door.. But for me that requires remembering I have Alpha-Gal and can't have certain foods, so yes, you would have to do some research or just ask me.) Or call me and say, it's not much but I paid for you to have some McDonalds chicken nuggets, if you can't go get them I will drop them off at your dore, Or, pick up the phone just to say "Hi, How ya doin" Let me cry on your virtual shoulder or at the least give me something else to think about for a change, trust me, your problems are much easier for me to help YOU deal with, it's not burden, it is medicine for my brain and it tells me you still want me as a part of your life. Forget the concept: I don't want to bother you, or I don't want you to worry about me, you have enough on your plate.  YEAH>. I am begging you to TAKE MY PLATE FROM ME, for 5 minutes. I will be grateful you did.

DON'T get me wrong.  I have a few people in my life that Do just "Help". It's been great. Long distance friends that do everything they can, sending me $$ for yarn to crochet something at Chemo treatments and it has been amazing. My next door neighbor that randomly offers any kind of help, bought me a walker when I needed it, she asked me, I didn't have to ask her. Friends and family that either call and talk about everything (not focused on the cancer BS), or send me funny videos to make me laugh.     I finally understood, accepted and learned to enjoy love and appreciate that each person that cares about me, Gives what they can when they can. I WILL not ask for more. I WILL love them for everything they CAN do and DO.

5. I can't wait until you are all better and things get back to normal.

Normal?  Oh let's break that one down. What was normal? The stuff you never saw? The days and weeks that went by while you lived a "normal" life meanwhile in the background, Not knowing I already had cancer, I was going insane wondering why I felt like I was dying, Doctors claiming I was just aging and needed to accept that my body was changing? Is normal going back to dealing with daily pain, stomach issues, bowel issues, daily migraines that put me in bed 5 out 7 days a week. The anxiety I felt because those around me thought I was either faking my "health" issues, or thought I was a Hypocodriac and they felt I was just too lazy. People that got angry with me because I coudn't be there for THEM, to help THEM with their issues. Hating on me because I was just trying to survive.. Normal? That when someone would call to set up a "day" to have some fun, or invite me to a BBQ/Cookout and I would have to cancel because I was on day 3 of a massive migraine. What is NORMAL to you my friend?  The part where you only saw me when I felt better and let myself go out in public. That Normal? That One - 3 days a month I actually got to spend the day killing myself making everyone else around me, HAPPY?  The normal where, the days people actually saw me, I was "NORMAL" and they assumed that was my everyday.  Or the Normal where they sat around wondering if I was just lazy and didn't want to be their friend, or that I became lame and no fun to be around so I stopped getting invited to anything. Mind you for good reason.  My Normal was a living nightmare for the last 30 years (migraines and failing health) and the last 8 years of having cancer grow in my body slowly killing me. 

Get more exercise, take vitamins, eat better. It's all in your head. UGH.. Normal.. If that is NORMAL. I don't want that back. I want BETTER.  You can take your normal and.. Well, You know the rest of that sentence ...

Looking back over the last 30 years of pain and suffering I have been though, how over the last 8 years not knowing cancer was killing me. I had to understand that NO ONE knew. Not even the Doctors (2018 I had bowl obstruction emergency surgery- it was after that, the cancer began to grow more rapidly because it was undetectable at that point). It was always a guessing game and patience on my part, and dealing with the "lets try this" 3-6 months later, Okay, that didn't work "Let's try this". Trial and Error. years of Googleing symptoms, could it be this or that. Self diagnosing, taking vitamin after vitamin, trying like hell to get as much physical activity I could because: Hey, Doctors are the experts right?  

Well, looking back and now realizing that had the tumors not gotten so big that I could feel them, physically, when I touched my belly. I would probably be dead in 6 more months.  

Accepting that NO ONE is at fault. NO ONE is to blame. Especially me. And I can not hold anything anyone has said to me, negatively, or against them because they did not know. 

Realizing that even now, SOME people (you know who you are), having been told what has been wrong for the last 8 years, STILL, do not give 2 f*cks about me and are still selfish people and now do not deserve to be in my life. 

Those that understand now that I was not what they thought, that I was sick, for realzies.. And those people show up now, apologize and want to be there to help and get me to a New and improved BETTER normal.. Yeah.  Forgiveness all around even for those "ones" that continue to be ass hats (as god commands forgiveness). But I will not tolerate selfish ass-hat'rs ever again. Baaa BYE, Your Done. Do not pass go, go straight to jail.. Revenge is not Mine it is God's to dole out. Carma is a bitch.. Should I go on?  No.. I think not.

In this "Journey" as god teaches. I have lost myself over many of the past years. I fell from god's grace and walked away from friends that really could have used me in their lives because I HAD to be selfish in order to heal. I leaned on the wrong people, felt like god forsake me. God sent me my husband to start my healing journey. Getting diagnosed with Cancer has been the worst and the greatest gift that "whomever" gave to me. After going through denial, self pitty, self loathing, fear like I have never in my life felt before, and now beginning regrowth and renewed faith with my husband and gods guidance. Becoming a new person with just a touch of who I was, gladly accepting the new me, the new way my life will look. Understanding that my healing journey is just going to begin in a few short days and can take YEARS more of trial and error with medications, diet, exercise, love from True friends and family: Renewed and NEW relationships and friendships.  I can only say that be it that I have 3 years or 20 more on this earth, I truly pray I keep sight of the Joy and happiness only I can give myself and only I can allow myself to experience.

That said: Here in this moment I dread the last Chemo on April 28th 2026 (I Pray it is the last) and what I am about to experience over the next couple weeks, months, years.  BUT, this too shall pass. God willing I will make it through to the other side of this. Pray that in 10 years this will be a distant memory.