Feb 16th 2026

Feb 16th 2026

Okay.

SSA:    Nothing yet. Still haven't heard anything about it.  They did say 220 plus days, so that put's me getting some information on where I stand, somewhere around my Last chemo in April (April 21st)  So, Patience is what I will try very hard to practice.

Tomorrow is Chemo #3

I am stressed out this time. Last two I wasn't. I am terrified that the chemo will make me extremely ill again. So yeah, I'm not sleeping tonight.

My appetite has been changing, I am only really eating one meal a day (late evening Dinner / Supper, whatever YOU call it.) I snack a few times during the day, but i learned the hard way that I really need to just stay hydrated and take my vitamins.  My vitamins have been keeping me alive, in my opinion. I take a Vitamin B liquid complex (B12-6 and 1) I take NAC, I take D3 K2, I'm taking Mullein liquid to keep my lungs clear, Mary Ruth liquid morning, Methylene blue, Soursop, iron, saffron and astaxanthan.  All of this, I feel is keeping my immune system from completely shutting down.  Yes, it is a lot, I also eat 2 Apricot seeds every morning.  My Oncologist is all for me doing whatever I need to do to keep my head above water. She monitors everything I take and did the research to make sure it all works okay with Chemo. So far there is only one things I can not take. That is anything that aids in "increasing" hormone production. As my cancer feeds on hormones and part of my treatment is to strip the body of hormones to kill of the cancer cells.

Something I haven't talked about:

The astrangement of myself and my family. (4 siblings, mother and step father).

I am not going to get into nitty gritty details (you can read about that in my Autobiography in the next couple years).

The short story:  After a lifetime of "Fucked up family dinamics", and at the time I was getting sicker and sicker by the minute and didn't know why (Migraines daily, chronic pain all over my body, Alpha-Gal and tummy / intestinal issues that made going anywhere no fun, A few surgeries that family didn't seem to care about, etc...  Just after Christmas of 2022, my mental health and my physical health got the best of me and I just stopped going to visit anyone. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, the family dynamics just weren't good, fighting constantly and I always left "family gatherings" crying and feeling so depressed I wished for death.  It would take me months to recover before I would go back over to "Visit" just to do it all over again.  My husband now (Fiance then) would struggle with what he experienced with our "Family Dynamics" and it was killing him to see what it was doing to me.  Anyway, Mom was getting sicker and sicker as well. She had a hospital visit months prior and ended up with sepsis, changed her mentally forever, it onset Dimensia and or Aldsheimers. She was losing her mind. She was a very angry woman (not just now / then but even during my growing up as she showed signs of classic Manic depression, Mania, Bi-polar). Her memory was fading fast, she was consistantly claiming her children were stealing from her, verbally attaching each of us, seperately, pitting eachother against each other, etc..  My mental state and physical state just ccouldn't take it anymore.  I am the baby of the family.  MY siblings did not understand why I chose to walk away, ghost everyone, and try to begin to heal myself. So. We all ended up not talking to eachother.

Anyway, it's been 4 years. In this time, I had received nasty messages a couple times, called everything in the book, shunned by distant family members because they didn't understand either. so, thus, giving me the reasoning that I made the right choice. If people don't give you the time of day to "explain yourself'. Then THEY do not deserve to be a part of your life.

Ya'll. God has been working heavy on my heart.

When I found out I had cancer I posted on my Facebook page, to let everyone know. I have a huge extended family. This was the easiest way.  NO, I didn't not want the "pitty" or  any of that. It was informational purposes only.   Didn't want to end up dying and them never knowing what happened. I felt I, at least owed them that. YES, I had One sibling (now I know it's two of them) with their spouse, that called me a liar and said I was just trying to get FREE SHIT, from strangers, blah, blah, blah.  UM. NO. if that were the case, in my financial situation, I would have set up a go fund me but I didn't. (No offense to anyone that has done this, I applaud you, you deserve the help). I myself felt that it would bring more grief than good. Can I use it. OH HECK YEAH. I'm drowning over here.  I don't need any more drama here. Also, why I had not gone back to my family. DRAMA.. Not in my vocabulary anymore. That is what my family thrived on.

anywho..   God spoke to me (to my heart).  

One day, my Sister (3rd born) messaged me (she was not on my friends list) asked me to speak to her. Despite my husbands protectiveness, I agreed. (well, backtrack. Her daughter, my beloved neice who was like a daughter to me (that relationship not without it's own drama) had contacted me. I agreed to talk to her.  She was very angry at me for walking away from her, but that also, is another story.  Back to her mother, my sister.  She and I had always had a "good" relationship, for what it's worth, she tried her very best to be the "fixer" in the family, for which had caused her a lot of pain and suffereing. She and I had issues, that in my "mousy way" I could never confront her about. I was a people pleaser, to my demise, and if I couldn't please, I would GHOST.  YEAH, I know. NOT HELPFUL.. NOT PRODUCTIVE.. But it is all I knew.

I called my sister and we talked for about an hour and just cought up on life. There was no fighting or bickering. It was nice.  She asked to come see me and a few days later she came to see me, bringing my neice (and her husband) as well. We had a very nice visit.  In the back of my mind (if you knew how my family worked you would understand) I felt it was a "Fishing expedition" to see if I REALLY had Cancer. In a way, it was, but I truly believe my sister missed her baby sister and just want's to be a part of my life.  Yes, the Cancer changed things, I believe it made her realize time might be running out.  And we both realized that, in god's eyes, Making amens is a part of the healing process, and if we don't do everything we possibly can to make sure that we have tried to make "relatioships" work, then we can't really just GIVE up, until we have TRIED EVERYTHING...

I believe god opened this door one more time so that I can heal and my sister can heal.   I am, however, in no shape mentally or physically to go back to putting myself in a sittuation where the remainder of my syblings or my mom and step-dad can cause me emotional damage. Until I am healed from cancer, I do not believe I can deal with drama or emotional baggage being draped over my head again.   YES, I realize this may mean that my mother may pass away before I get that chance. I believe God has already given me what he feels I need.

Again. I know it's confusing because you don't know the back story, but, you will just have to buy the book. lol.