Day of Chemo #2
We learned from the first Chemo session that we took WAY too much stuff that we ended up not needing. Way too much food, since we ended up going to eat after chemo was done. So we packed a bit lighter this time.
Getting blood drawn went much smoother this time since I had been staying very hydrated (as a matter of fact, the blood test when it came back said that I was HIGH on the Hydration (TOO HIGH). But that was a good thing. Â All other tests were quite well, I was low on iron, but that has been an issue all of my life. My Red and white blood cell count is good.
I went over the lump in my stomach with the doctor again, told her about how it's getting more painful than last time, asked her if she saw the CT? Well, she did and said it didn't show anything. She felt around on my stomach, said the same thing as last time and said she would mention it to the other Doctor. otherwise, it should go down on its own. UGH
Off we went to CHEMO treatment.
Well, this time went a bit different. Just about an hour in, Travis got bored way too quick I might add. I got super sleepy with only about 3 hours left (my guess is the Antihistamine), So I fell asleep, stayed asleep off and on, noticed Travis left and went somewhere (found out later he went all over town - visited home depot, Lowes etc.) I was out so it was ok. He came back with a sandwich from a sub shop.
It was only about 15 minutes into the Taxol (takes the last 30-45 minutes) I started getting very weak, woke up with the most excruciating leg pain I had ever felt. All of my muscles in my body were so weak I couldn't hold myself upright. Travis had to practically carry me out of the building and into the restaurant to eat dinner.
He had to help me get into my PJ's and help me into bed, out of bed, walk to the bathroom. We are going to look into getting a walker and a cane so he doesn't have to be by my side 24-7. The pain though. I mean, if this is how it is going to be from here on out, I can't do this.
For the first time since getting this diagnosis I actually feel like giving up. Stopping treatment and taking he conscequences. But I can't. I have remember, I have too many people to live for. I have to want a future. This pain makes it so darn hard. I can't get comfortable not for a minute. Not laying down, nothing. I go for very short little walk out into the garage and back to my chair. That's all I have energy for. Â I actually fell asleep in my chair for the first time in years, in the middle of the day. I never take naps. Â I had to break down and take a pain pill too. ( I refuse to take meds - but this time I had to. I only took half a pill. I hate those things.)Â Â
I can't do this. All I do is cry from the pain. Wishing it all to go away. When I start crying, Travis starts crying. He hugs me and says he wishes he could take it all away for me. Me too babe. Me too. But I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Not even my Ex Husbands.
I have to get through this, I have to keep going. I want to see my Grandkids grow up, I want to grow up with them. Â
The doom thoughts hit today.
I need to do something for the Grandkids to remember me by if this thing kills me. They have to have something they can look at and know that Granma loves them. Ohma Rachel Love us. My brain is working perfectly its my body that refuses to comply.
Two of my kids called me today. My son Cody has done a 180. He was so caught up in his own life, separated from his Fiancé, and trying to still help take care of the kids everyday, go to work everyday, fight the stress and fight to stay Clean (Drugs and Alcohol). He hardly every had time to call me, or just didn't think of it, he was way too busy. Now, it seems this whole Cancer thing has changed us all. He has been calling me every other day or so.  My oldest is my tough man. He is my supporter. " Don't give up mom" he says "I'm here to talk if you need to". He has spent many years fighting his own battles (mentally) having been in the army and what he saw there. His depression nearly took him from me, so now he is scared his momma might go through that too. He is not wrong. The thought has crossed my mind. But I am stubborn and selfish, I want to be here to see everyone, and I could never hurt them. They would blame themselves. I can't do that to them, to myself, to Travis.
My other child, dealing D.I.D and Autism doesn't do Phones. She/he sends me a text "911" when they need to talk to me. or just "MOM". That's how I know to call them back. They, also, are terrified they will lose me before I have a chance to get to know them, and they get to know me as an adult (they are 24-25 and nearly agoraphobic, they live with their father in the city I get my treatments.)Â Whom ever is reading this, if you do not understand what a person (Child) that is going through / living with D.I.D or High functioning Autism, then please take one thing from my statement. Take that they do not share emotion like we do. Their fears are very different from ours. Their emotional attachments have different reasons than ours do. My Child is an amazing child and has shown me abundant love in the way they can. I honor that, I respect that, and all I can do is make sure they know I love them.